Wow! Two entries in a row!

Actually, I've been teaching an interesting book to the adult SS class. It is about blessing our family and our friends.  

I think it could have a big impact on our foster care as well.  It deals with the ancient Jewish custom of blessing the children. Every blessing has five elements...touch, spoken word, assigning value, picturing a bright future and commitment to help that future come to pass. In this blog I want to talk about the touch. Next time I'll get to the spoken word.

Touch:  I've discovered with our oldest adopted son ( who had/has RAD) that I can say almost anything to him and he'll accept it as long as I massage the back of his neck as I talk.  And a scientific study of hospital patients indicated that  patients whose doctors touched their arms as they talked to them PERCEIVED that the doctors spent more time with them, even though the period of contact was the same.

Get the picture? At the risk of being too simplistic, it's a great tool.

YOU ( thinking) : okay...I have to get three loads of washing done this morning before the caseworker comes for her monthly visit ( NO...we don't refer to her visit as "the curse." That's another visit entirely.) And I have to talk to Jim Bob about his language again.

YOU (yelling):  JIM BOB!

JB:  In a %$# minute...okay?

YOU: NO, It's not okay.  I don't want you to talk like that. Do you hear me?

JB ( schlumping into the laundry room with ear buds in his ears and wires dangling down his shirt front to an Ipod clipped to his belt) Yeah?

YOU: Take that out of your ears and listen to me. Do you know what people think of you when you talk like that?

JB: Like I care what people think.

YOU: Well, I care. People think you're stupid. That you don't have enough of a vocabulary to get your thoughts out without resorting to turning the air blue.

JB: Maybe they're right.

YOU: NO...They aren't right. (you put your hand lightly on JB's shoulder...if you can reach it. For older kids this works best if they're sitting down or if you tell them to wait while you get a stepladder) You are a bright kid. We both know that. I just want other people to understand how special you are. (You begin to softly rub his upper back) And we are a family. Our family doesn't talk like that.

JB says nothing, but he begins to lean into you a bit.

YOU say nothing but you keep on rubbing.

When you stop, you just say something like:  What have you got planned for this afternoon?  Okay, have fun, but be sure to be home for supper. (Or ANYTHING but a lecture. )

JB puts his earbuds back in and schlumps off again. But it is a given that you have planted a seed in his brain. He felt the contact between you when you gave him the MEANINGFUL touch. Do you know that researchers discovered parents generally touch their kids rarely, and then only when it is necessary? HOW SAD for the kids and the parents.

TOUCH is necessary for bonding. Babies die when they aren't touched. There is a story called "Cipher in the Snow"  http://www.wiktel.net/dgray/cipher.html     which tells the story of a child  who "dissappeared"  because people didn't connect with him.

Sometimes touch is a blessing in itself. My Grandma Petra used to rub my back in church. I felt that she really loved me at those times (though in truth, she could have been massaging an arthritic hand against my back. I wouldn't have known the difference.) My husband still can calm me by rubbing my back.

Try touching one person MEANINGFULLY. Lay a hand on the arm of a neighbor when you meet her at the store. Ruffle a kid's hair.

There are scads of nerve endings in your hands. When they are stimulated by this kind of touch, endorphins are released. You get a buzz too! 

BET YOU CAN'T STOP AT ONE!